If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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