She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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