Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
