2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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