I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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