I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
