mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize