so that wasnt chicken after all
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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