Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
