dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
