4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize