My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
