So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
