Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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