sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
