my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
