My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
