Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
