i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
