why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
