Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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