You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My ass is underappreciated
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
