$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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