pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
His hands were made for my vagina.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
