three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
