weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
