I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
