I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
