My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
