Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
