Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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