I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
