me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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