So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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