DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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