My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why is your signature on my underwear?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
