I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your cock deserves a montage
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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