I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
