My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
