Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
