The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Randomize
