There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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