I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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