do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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