I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
