the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We left the knife in your bed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
