Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize