lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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