he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
