I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
