apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
