I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
