he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just invented taco cereal.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
