It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
