My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
