How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
