I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
