So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
