Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
