So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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