I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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