I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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