yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
