It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize