the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
