my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
